When You Don't Like Your Child: Extreme Parenting with the Difficult Child--Part 2

 

 

If you are just joining us, please link over to Part 1 (or scroll down) to catch up!

 

 

What Life is Like With Our Difficult Child:

 

I feel like this is going to be a hard post to write, not only because of the emotional aspect, but the, "Oh goodness, where do I start??" aspect!

I want to make sure that I don't paint Keaton as a horrible person, us as perfect parents (ha!), or even making it sound like every day is difficult. Yesterday was actually a really good day for Keaton. He got to go with Tim and the other kids to take our old appliances to the scrap yard.(They enjoyed the crane.) Jackson found a bike at a garage sale (he has been wanting to buy one with his allowance for awhile!) and Keaton loves riding it too. He also was given the opportunity to do some weeding to earn extra allowance. These all helped him to have a good day. He was kind, helpful and responsible. It was like our whole family could take a deep refreshing breath of air. Praise the Lord for those kind of days!

 

But most days are not like this with Keaton...where do I begin? Well, I guess from when he was born...

Keaton was a different baby. We knew it...we saw it and others saw it. His strength was amazing and immediately he only liked to stand up facing out to see his world. Even as an infant.

He was extremely bright and always "talking" and interacting with us...soaking in the world around him.

It actually made for a pretty fun baby! He loved attention and as our only child, there was lots to go around!

Thankfully, the Lord gave us enough wisdom to see that with this child we were going to have our hands full-as we said to each other by the time he was 5 months old, "Oh boy, we're going to be in so much trouble!"

We were right.

Soon, Keaton had a little sister and his energy had no signs of letting up. If we went to a playground, we couldn't play there long because he would rather just run. As fast as he could. I also could never sit down! Keaton also slept very little...as much as we tried, we couldn't get him to take naps after 1 1/2 years old and bedtimes already took close to 3 hours each night to get him down. Only to have him wake between 4-6am (4 during the summer months).

This was not fun for a mama who needs lots of rest already, had a small baby and thyroid problems.

Keaton was also extremely curious. This meant if there was something to touch, he had to touch it...and most likely take it apart to see how it works. If there was something to climb, he would climb it. If there was something to ask, he would ask it (atleast 5 times!). If there was something to dump out, he would dump it. If there were toys in a container, it was his job to see how fast and how far he could throw them all out everywhere.

He was good at his job. =)

Like most children, if they are told to do something that they don't want to do, they will most likely resist or ignore you at first. Then, eventually after training they will learn to obey.

With Keaton you could tell him ten thousand times to do something and after being taught the way to obey, he will still refuse.

In his mind, he is right.

Always right.

 

He also struggles with becoming easily frustrated and angry. If that wasn't enough, he also throws in full blown tantrums. Still. (The pictures above were taken in January when he was throwing a kicking & screaming tantrum on the floor for over an hour. It started upstairs in his bed. Over wanting his slippers. I had a pair of socks already for him and gave those to him. Nope. He wanted slippers...over an hour later-he was still at it.) Let's not even get started on what a bad day homeschooling with him can look like! haha!

 

Keaton loves attention too...not to much of a surprise with the family he is coming from! (haha!) But, it is much more than most. To get that attention he will do anything and everything to get it...including hanging off of you, running around screaming or hurting someone. This is one of the hardest parts for me...when he would purposefully hurt someone or destroy something.

He also is easily obsessive which becomes habit forming too. He has decided that all germs are bad, all fat on food is bad (although we have worked on these and he is getting better). Lying and stealing food (for absolutely no reason at all) are the struggles we are going through right now.

Keaton has become more and more rebellious and defiant. (I guess we should have seen this one coming as both Tim and I were difficult children...BOTH of our mother's prayed that we would have a child like us. Too bad it must have been both prayers combined into one child!)

 

All of this has continued nearly every day of his life.

At first I just thought he was an enjoyable interactive baby, then I thought he was an over-active toddler...then slowly it started to change in my mind to "I must be doing something wrong as a parent." I realized that this child was obviously different, more and more as we had other children and they didn't behave nearly to the extremes that Keaton did. I will NEVER forget the day that Abbigail picked up a book, sat down in my lap and asked me to read it.

I think my jaw dropped open!

When a 3 year old child can make his Sunday School teacher cry by getting all the other kids in the class to start yelling "POOP!" over and over with him...you start to realize that this isn't quite right.

(Yes, we have some HILARIOUS stories now, but at the time...not so much.)

Much of this was ( and still sometimes is) very difficult for me as a parent. You already hope that your kids will learn to obey, they will be enjoyed by others, they will make friends easily, they will not wake you up super early every morning, etc. But you also have others saying things, glaring, sighing...you all know what I'm talking about. Not fun. Not fun at all.

Soon it started to also spin out of control on my end. Too little sleep, too much Keaton= more and more yelling and frustration.

So, I started reading books (ok, you all know I was already reading books!)...lots and lots of parenting books. I honestly can't say how many as some were borrowed from friends and church libraries too.

We went to parenting classes.

More parenting classes.

There was great information out there and some of it really helped to round out our parenting with the other kids, but overall nothing was working with Keaton. Who is the oldest...and is influencing the others too.

We were able to try some things just by figuring out slowly how to work with this child...some have failed, some have helped. I'll go into more detail with that on another post.

By this time, I had kind of just figured that either I was crazy (which, yes-most days felt like it!!) or there was something going on with this child that these books just didn't know about.

Nearly everyday felt like a fight. A warzone. All.day.long.

 

*Ok, I have to stop and check...this doesn't sound too much like a pity-party does it???? I really hope it isn't coming across that way. I want to give a realistic idea of what life is like with our Difficult child. There are LOTS of good things about him and what we have learned...so please hang in there with me-the good stuff is coming!*

 

I started trying to not stress over it so much and tried to just let other people's opinions or judgements roll off my back. I was just going to have to make the best of it.

Then this fall, I read a post from a fellow blogger and was in shock. The way she described her child was like she was describing Keaton. I showed Tim the post and he couldn't believe it either. This was our child.

I wasn't crazy. I WASN'T CRAZY!!

And, it has a name. Keaton is Active Alert.

(Yeah, I tease myself too that I didn't figure it out earlier as people would always comment that he was so "active" or "alert" as a baby!)

I was so giddy I think I was dancing and tearing up at the same time!

The doctor who came up with the term Active Alert also came out with a book to help and encourage us parents: Living with the Active Alert Child, Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents.

 

I honestly wish I could quote this whole book for you all. It would help to explain Keaton so much better than I have!!

Here are the first lines of the book:

"If you put on your runnings shoes when your child was born and have worn out several pairs watching her grow, this book is for you. If you can't keep the toilet paper on the roll in your house because your child constantly unravels it, this book is for you.

This book is meant for you if you have read other parenting books and think, 'They're not talking about my child-it's just not that easy.' If you have begun to question what you did to create this little person or to deserve this kind of child, this book is for you.

You have a child some call active, difficult, obsterperous-a child who some see as a problem. You have a child who takes all your energy during the course of the day and then demands more at bedtime. You have a child who gives you a roller coaster ride with hight points of incredible joy and low points of anger and frustration.

In a sense, I know and love your child. That's because for thirty years, parents like you have come to me and asked for help. What emerged from my work with those families was an image of a child who doesn't fit the 'norm', who slips through the cracks of what 'experts' know about child rearing, who has more energy, more creativity, more intensity-more everything."

(I don't want to use the term Active Alert as an excuse to Keaton's behavior or an excuse to not parent with as much effort. Trust me...this child takes as much effort as I can give!! This is just a way for us to understand him better and to learn how to bring out the best in him. We haven't even told him yet that Active Alert best describes him. I think one day when he is older, we will be sharing that with him when he can use the information to help himself. Can you even imagine the excuses he could come up with if he only knew!!!)

 

Click here to read the blog article I read that made me realize Keaton was Active Alert. She does a fabulous job of describing her child and the identifying characteristics of Active Alerts.

 

 

You can also link here to read more about the book and other people's reviews on amazon. It also gives a great perspective on what living with an Active Alert is like.

 

Even if you don't think your child is Active Alert, but you have a Difficult child in other ways, you may be greatly blessed by her book. It is so, so, so encouraging!

 

All this to say, this is what life is like with our Difficult child.

Life with a Difficult child is well...very, very, difficult. But, it isn't impossible.

 

Not with God.

 

He has given us more than we can bear. We have had to turn to Him and He has been so good and faithful to carry us along the way. Changing us to become more like Him.

Let us not become weary in doing good my dear friends!

 

I have lots more planned in upcoming posts:

• The AWESOME blessings of Keaton's personality
• Stories from other mama's on what life is like with their Difficult child
• What we have tried-what has helped and what hasn't
• Book recomendations
• What to do when mama is sick

You know-good stuff like that!

 

As always I would love your prayers over raising our Active Alert child.

And also, our newest Active Alert: Hudson. YEP! That's right-Hudson is, hands down, an Active Alert child.

The Lord has chosen to give us two little boys that need lots of extra love and prayers...their mama is going to need it too!

 

 

Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

 

 

Link over to read the other posts in this series:

When You Don't Like Your Child:

Extreme Parenting with the Difficult Child

 

Part 1: Who our Difficult Child Is