When You Don't Like Your Child: Extreme Parenting with the Difficult Child--Part 4

(Auston and I at the beach-June 2009!)

If you are just joining us, please link over to Part 1 (or scroll down) to catch up!

What's a Mama to do?!?!

You may have a "Difficult Child", but even if you don't-life can be very hard as a mama! Can I hear an AMEN?!?! We as mama's now are the main care takers, disciplinarians, health seekers and sometimes educators. It's a large roll and it is easy to feel weighed down at times.

I'm hoping this post will be an encouragement to you in what I have found to help me in my own life. There have been many stages of being a mama for me as we have added more children and as I have dealt with my own health problems-hopefully these will be help or inspiration for your own life.

 Please comment on what has helped you! Let's join together to find many ways to be better moms!

I want to start out on some of the rougher points...What to do when mama is sick?  If you fall into this category these things are of utmost importance!! You have to be healthy to not only do your "job", but to do it well and enjoy it! This is a killer time in your life. Not only are you trying to be a good mom to other people, but you are trying to take care of yourself too. For me, my health problems have been mainly with my thyroid. This caused extreme fatigue (to where, during the worst of it, if I sat down I would fall asleep and the best description was that "I felt like I have been run over by a semi-truck" when I would wake up each morning more exhausted than the day before!).

Here are some things that helped me when I'm sick:

• Help. Yep...I hated this one at first. I was trying to do it all on my own and it just isn't possible. If you have a chronic illness, you must ask for help. I was blessed to even have ladies from my church come and do laundry for me. God used this time to really humble me and help me to see that we are a family in Christ and he didn't design it to be something we can do on our own.
• Rest. Yes...I'm chuckling at that one too-get rest...what rest???? =) It sure is difficult to get quality rest as a mama, but it if you are not in good health it is mandatory. Your body does it's best healing when you sleep. Even if you can't sleep tons, make sure you are not pushing yourself for perfection during the day. Let things go and relax a bit. I have been blessed in that even though I can rarely get lots of rest, Tim is really understanding about my health and tries to find any extra possible time for me to sleep or relax.
• Get healthier. You know when you don't feel like you. No one else can know that-if you don't have the energy to seek out ways of healing, at least tell someone so they can help you. For me, I am driven to find things out for myself (as if you didn't already notice with all the books I like to read), but many personalities are not like this. In addition to having thyroid problems, I came to realize that during one of the harder times with my thyroid I was also experiencing "Adrenal Fatigue" (the two are inter-related, but many moms can suffer from this unknowingly) as Tim was working tons and going to school, I was doing too much and my body was trying to show me this.

Then there are just the "I'm a mama and need refreshed" stuff that I need all the time:

• Feeling connected. As a stay-at-home mom and one with a "Difficult Child" it is easy to feel isolated as it is hard to do anything that this child will not purposefully destroy or ruin the fun in it, or you will not looked down upon. Seeking out other moms who support and love on you is super important!!! During the harder days (when all the kids were younger, I didn't understand our "Difficult Child" as well and my health problems were bad-all at the same time) I was a part of MOPS and a local mom's club. They both had different benefits. MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers, meaning-anyone with a child!) was such a spiritual blessing! They had child care so moms could get together to chat, chow, then learn from a special speaker and pray for each other. I loved it and would still be a part of it, but some (like the one in my area now) don't have childcare for older children who are homeschooled. The local mom's club was fun in that they did different outside play dates or even mom's nights out. I loved all the support I got from these groups also-fantastic! If you have a "Difficult Child" seek and pray for other moms who can relate in some way...this is super important!! Staying in touch with my friends and making time to get together definitely falls into this area. It will not happen if we don't purpose to have this in our lives.
• Time outs. Oh yes. I still lock myself in the bathroom from time to time for a two minute breather! These are so nice...even if someone is standing outside the door crying for me! =) I often find myself saying, "Deep breaths...deep breaths." Amazing how much that helps me to remember to slow down, take some deep breaths, chill and start again!!!
• Tea. I was never much of a tea drinker "pre-kids", but I sure am now! I am amazed at how much it can relax me. Sometimes I will find myself wandering the kitchen only to grab the teapot and mentally realize that I am stressed out! My favorite relaxing and bedtime tea is Traditional Medicinal's Chamomile with Lavender.
• Baths. This also was not a big "pre-kid" ritual. I joke that the more kids I have the more tea I drink and baths I take! I don't even take baths to wash up...just to RELAX! Sometimes even going all out to darken the room, light candles and sink into a fluff of bubble bath. Making my own bath salts has really blessed me too as it can help detoxify my body-with thyroid issues, it is easier for toxins to build up and make my body feel more stressed.
• Exercising. Again, a must for my thyroid health as I HAVE to get those stress encouraging toxins out. But, there is also just something fabulous about a good run, or the satisfaction of doing something beneficial for my body.
• Reading. For me this has many benefits: I use reading to escape the stress a day may bring and find myself in some other imaginative land where those problems are no where to be found, to enjoy the fun and humorous side of life or to educate and learn...it is so easy to feel like "Mommy Brain" is taking over some days! I also enjoy it to relax and calm my mind before bed.
• Journaling. Oh-how much crazier my life would be without my prayer journal to my Jesus! Venting problems on paper suddenly makes them not so difficult or overwhelming. It can help by bringing so much clarity or by just dumping that heavy burden off my back and at the feet of Jesus. Some days I just flip pages to see where God has brought me from one year ago, or all the prayers he has answered...reminders that the Lord is with me and doing good things in my life is such a blessing to my spirit!
• Mixing it up. Sometimes it is really, really, really nice to just do something for the fun of it with the kids or the whole family. Spontaneously going to the park, getting lunch at Subway, dancing or anything that doesn't have to do with the "must get done" of everyday life in running a home. I like fun.
• Looking back. I love to pull out photos or scrapbooks to remind me of the good times with my kids. Scrolling through my blog or even peeking in on them sleeping. Amazing how a awful day can suddenly vanish and warm fuzzes fill my heart when I do this!
• Chocolate. Yes, I know...I wrote in January how I'm trying to NOT depend on food to fill voids in my life that Jesus should be filling, but sometimes a good piece of chocolate is a gift from the Lord, is it not!?! =) And technically, it doesn't really even have to be chocolate for me...usually any treat will do.
• Date Nights. Tim and I look forward to this SO much. Being a parent is tough, so this is a mandatory in our lives. We rarely actually go out, so most "date nights" are spent at home with a movie or Hulu and some snackies. Some weeks a Friday and a Saturday date night are needed. It can get rough around here with five kiddos! Sanity saver for sure! This also goes into the importance of having a good relationship with the hubby...build it up and pray over it. Sure does help in the mama department when you are working as a team and have awesome support! This area doesn't just stop at date nights for me...I love to devour any book on marriage I can get my hands on! If Satan can break apart the marriage in a family, the rest will come crumbling down. Building these foundational walls strong is so important! We have also really enjoyed the "tune up" of A Weekend To Remember and hope to do it every few years!
• Kisses. From the kids and the handsome husband! ;) Like the picture above, sometimes I just need to stop and ask for a few kisses. I have come to learn that when I am upset, stressed or tired, I tend to push away. Emotionally and physically. What I need the most is to fight that reaction of "putting up walls" to protect myself, and allow myself to feel loved. Kisses sure do help me! =)
• Going for a drive. Sometimes I've hit my limit. I'm done with the arguing, done with the spills, done with the next broken item, done with the crying and I just need to go for a drive. (Thankfully, Tim totally understands!!!) I usually throw my hands up in the air, say "I'm done!" and Tim will hand me the keys. 10 minutes later-I'm back as a new woman. Who would have known that getting out of the house, driving with the windows down, music blaring (NOT kids music mind you!) and talking out loud to the Lord can be so good for ya?! I love it!
• Bedroom retreat. I'm all about having a space in the evenings to unwind. I like to have my room tidy (as much as possible, but there is often a basket of clothes that will have to wait until tomorrow to be put away!), dim lighting, my Bible, my journal, my stack of books, my homemade lavender scented salve, lots of pillows, warm blankets, beautiful colors...so needed! Create this beauty for your life!
• Real retreats. Yes...like the "I'm in junior high and I'm going to a Bible camp" retreats. Except your 15 years older, married and have kids. Now it's REALLY needed! =) I love these and don't do them enough. I tell myself that I should do one every spring and fall...this doesn't always work out with how life happens, but it's a good goal. Getting away for longer periods of time does wonders! Can I hear an Amen on that one?!
• Healthy foods. As much as possible I try to eat foods that help my health. I am amazed more and more at how what I put in my mouth makes me a better, more loving mama or a tired, frustrated mama. Hard choices sometimes, but so worth it! I really enjoy my vitamins too...Super Mom! If I don't take care of my health, my whole family suffers!
• Dealing with my issues. I noticed a couple of years ago that I was getting more and more angry with our "Difficult Child". Wow, he is gifted at pushing my buttons! GIFTED!!! I didn't want to be an angry mama and I knew it wasn't pleasing to the Lord...goodness...just look at all the Bible says about where my life will end up if I allow anger to take over! I started memorizing verses on anger and I also got the book "She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger" and found that it was convicting, humorous and really helpful.
• Art. This is such a part of my life...understandably as God created us in His likeness and he is a...well...Creator! Just look at all of the art around us that he has made! When I don't take time to invest in this now and then, I find that I am missing out on experiencing who I truly am as a child of God, satisfaction in doing something well, soothing and refreshing beauty and enjoying God more as the Creator that He is.
• Laughter. I bet you can't imagine me putting down this one! Me? Laugh? Ok...you all know I love to laugh, but I'm telling you...life would not be the same without it! It's true. God said so. It's in the Bible. It's good for you-heals you up in ways you can't even imagine! If God says it's like medicine, and He knows what He's talking about, then fill me out a prescription! Seriously, I have a quirky sense of humor and find many things funny. When things get rough, I sometimes have to seek it out. I will watch a funny movie or Christian comedian (yes, there are some good ones!) or even a Barbara Johnson or a Lorilee Craker book just to see the lighter side of life. Life gets rough. Laugh often!!!!
• Thankfulness. What a bitter life we will lead without thankfulness dripping from our lips! The less thankful I am the more difficult life becomes. So much of life is perspective. Viewing each moment as gifts from a loving Savior and enjoyed as the path He is leading me on changes everything in my life.
• Singing. Most days I find myself singing worship songs. Some of those days it is pouring forth easily, others is is forced out alongside tears. Music touches me in a unique way as I think it does for most people. But when I worship Jesus, it quickly reminds me who He is, His power and control and it also reminds me who I am as His child...loved and cherished. It also helps the chores to be more enjoyable!
• Devotionals. I find that if I don't spend time with the Lord, my day is just not nearly the same. I wrote awhile ago at how morning Bible "quiet times" has drastically changed since having kids...it isn't nearly as structured, but I still need them...if not more than ever. I slip a quick one in sometime in the morning and I also have devotionals scattered throughout the house, so whenever I find myself in a room with two minutes or in DESPERATE need of refreshment-I have a quick devotional to grab (even if I'm in the car!). I don't know how many times the Psalms or Proverbs have brought joy to my heart.
• Prayer. These last two points have probably been the most important. Joining others in my prayer needs has been a blessing too...I love how God has provided me a prayer partner who is a season ahead of me in life with the wisdom that comes with the passing of time. I love how God has provided me a church that welcomes prayer requests weekly. I love that God has provided a body of Christ that randomly tells me that they are praying for me. I love that God has answered prayers time and time again. He has been so amazingly faithful. It seriously brings tears to my eyes to think of how good He is in taking care of me. Without Jesus carrying me through each day, I would never survive. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. This is a developed quality and at times I see how much I still need to grow! "The Power of a Praying Parent" has blessed me and I'm sure I'll use it for years to come (I'm trying to develop the habit of praying each day for my children and Tim, but trying is the key word! And all of her books have been amazing!!!) Praying constantly... Not to control what God does in my life, but to surrender that control. Surrender. Bowing my knees to Jesus...this life is not about me-it's about Him. May I learn more each day that truth, even if God needs to use a "Difficult Child" to do so.

And now that I have officially stayed up way too late (I'm such a hypocrite, but you all are worth it!), I must end this...I still would L-O-V-E to hear what helps and blesses you as you mommy your "Difficult Child" or just survive life as a mama-definitely a challenging adventure!

Psalm 42:8-11

"By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me—

a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,

'Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning,

oppressed by the enemy?'

My bones suffer mortal agony

as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long,

'Where is your God?'

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God. "

Link over to read the other posts in this series:

When You Don't Like Your Child:

Extreme Parenting with the Difficult Child

Part 1: Who our Difficult Child Is

Part 2: What Life Is Like With Our Difficult Child

Part 3: The AWESOMENESS That We Call Keaton